pain pain go away....

No one knows the pain........My father once told me how his father(my grandfather died). My father was only 20 years old when his dad passed away and as he was sitting in the hospital room, looking out the window, he described what he felt. He watched as the world sailed by, people living their lives, as if they had not a care in the world. He couldnt understand why the world didnt stand still when his father died, why everyone was going on with their lives, why no one else was grieving......I never knew what he meant by that until all of this happened to me. I sit here in tears aching for my son. It has been 84 days since Thurston was born now, 84 very very long days, 3 drawn out months, 12 plodding weeks, it seems like a lifetime....and I miss him so much. I realize he is still here with us, that he made it and beat the odds. Too many people say, Hey you should be happy, you should be grateful and I am all of those things, but it doesnt take the pain away. I ache for the normal pregnancy I should have had, I ache to see my son, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I ache to have him in my arms, for him to drink my milk from my breast, to hear his sweet cry, to look in his eyes, for all the normal things that a newborn should be. It is very difficult for me to see pregnant women, especially in their third trimester. It is very difficult when I get birth announcements in the mail from friends with pictures of their healthy babies unfettered by wires, oxygen masks, and the look of pain and lack of sleep that often accompanies pictures of my sweet baby. I still cant believe that this is my reality. I wish things could have been different. There are still so many unknowns. Pain, Pain, go away dont come again another day, but it feels like your are here to stay........