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Thursday, February 10, 2011

How it all started......

I am not sure if many of you know how and when this all started. Unfortunately it started in utero when we found out something was wrong with the pregnancy. As anyone who has dealt with a tragic situation, it is very hard not to think about it at the time of year of when it all happened. I often have thought about the very happy days right before my world crashed around me. I remember fun valentine playdates with Viola and I remember being so excited about having my little boy, about the vintage maternity clothes I had been working on, about the upcoming blessing way that my moms group holds for pregnant mommies, about so many things until this very day last year.........

So I met with the high risk doctor today. I was sooooooooo not worried at all. I just thought maybe I need to drink more water. I had just left a wonderful playdate with Viola. She came with me and played with toys while I sat up on the table. The sonographer came in. She was as nice as pumpkin pie, seriously such a sweet sweet girl. As she sat looking at the scan I had asked her to confirm if it was a boy as I seriously did not trust that last sonographer. And she confirmed it. I did see some worry in her eye. She kept measuring the baby with her instruments and kept looking at his heart over and over again. I asked her about the fluid and she said that it was very low. I started to panic a little. Then she said she thought she saw something in the heart. I really started to worry. She then said, "let me get the doctor". I called my mom immediately. We have some valve thingy that runs in our family. I think both my sister and grandmother have been diagnosed with something else, and Viola and Chad both have a heart murmur so I was praying and hoping it was something along those lines. Then the doctor walked in and I told my mom I would call her back. She had that look in her eyes. I will never forget that look. That, "there is something really really bad I have to tell you" look. She sat down and said she thought there was something seriously wrong with Thurston. She thought it could be chromosonal based on the fact he was measuring 3 weeks behind(more like a 20 week old fetus), his fluid was low and he looked like he might have a heart defect. It seriously felt like she was talking in slow motion....almost like a charlie brown adult but in slow motion. I could feel my stomach hurling, I could feel my heart beating, I could feel the world collapsing around me. I think I screamed hysterically, and then I remembered Viola was in the room(She had been sitting there patiently for over an hour and a half during the examination bless her heart). I picked her up and held her. She looked at me funny and said"mommy crying". I will never forget that moment. It haunts me to this day.
I told the doctor I needed to call my husband. I am not sure of what I told him over the phone outside of get over here as soon as you can. Chad came and was so calm. He just has this strange ability to be calm during the most stressful of situations. The doctor went over our options. She asked if we wanted an amnio to see if he had a chromosonal abnormality. We said yes. She then said we could see a heart specialist to see what kind of heart defect Thurston had. Everything just happened so fast. Chad took Viola out of the room and the doctor did the amnio. She couldnt get any fluid because it was so low and it hurt like hell. She poked me twice and then decided to take a sample from the placenta instead. Tears were pouring from my eyes. I couldnt believe this was happening, and way too fast. I wanted time to stand still, like in Narnia. I wanted to process it but I couldnt. I felt like I was inside a blender. The blades cutting me into small pieces that I couldnt begin to put back together.

When we finally got home, somehow I managed to call the heart doctor and made an appointment for the next day. Seriously I don't remember the rest of the night. There were alot of moments that I have buried deep inside me. This was one of them.


  1. I remember that day very well, when you called seems like it's been longer than one year. Thursty's long first year..Our sweet, sweet boy. xxoo

  2. Oh, Donna... You did such a good job capturing that moment and what you were feeling. I just want to be there so I can hug you.