D-day: storming the beaches of normalcy!!!! 13 weeks actual 40 weeks gestation 1 day old adjusted

Yes today was the day, the day that my sweet boy should have been born. Due date day I will aptly nickname D-day. And boy has he been at the frontline of a battle, the battle for his life. His prematurity a nazish nightmare, an invasion of a full term pregnancy. So we continue to storm the beaches of normalcy. To try and find some kind of peace with our reality. It is today that the NICU will start counting his "adjusted age". So he is 3 months old actual, 1 day old adjusted. I cant believe he left my womb so early. I am feeling the mental duress of all of this. Today I did break down as one would expect. I should have been in a hospital room full of flowers and well-wishes with my sweet boy and husband and daughter snuggled up and warm, instead I am sitting here attatched to a pump, my sweet 2 year old daughter by my side watching Max and Ruby, my beautiful son, being seen by a pulmonologist to tell us how bad his bpd is and what the long term prognosis will be. I just never thought I would be in this situtation. It is one of those things that you only thought happened to other people. But I would never want anyone else to go through this. It is simply to painful for words.