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Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The day the Earth Stood Still...Clatu Barata Nikto......Almost 24 weeks

I remember my love for older film started when I was very young. I remember watching "The day the Earth stood Still" with my mother when I was around 4 or 5 years old repeating over and over clatu Barata Nikto in my head as if MY life depended on it.....How I wish those words worked on this day, the day my Earth stood still, probalby the worst day of my life.......

We went back to the perinatologist, the high risk docotor. We were to get the results from the amnio. I actually had a pretty good feeling about it for some reason. Maybe I just wanted to believe that everything was going to be ok. We got there and Chad and Viola came with, I knew I could not handle this part alone. We got in the room, I jumped up on the gurney and lifted up my shirt(it was beginning to be a routine now) and she began the ultrasound. She checked the fluid and it was the same. She took some more measurements etc. and I was just so impatient. I wanted to see the doctor for her to tell me my son was ok. Hurry Hurry Hurry. Finally, the doctor came in and sat down. Hurry Hurry Hurry.....She had both that look that says, "do you want the good news or the bad news first". The good the good the good please!!!!!!! Ok well we got the intial tests back and your son DOES NOT have anabnormality. YIPEEEEEEEE. I was on cloud nine million. What great news yea......but WHOA...not so fast missy. Its not all good news. CRAP. I could here the BUT a mile away.
BUT your son is not getting the nurtrients and oxygen he needs. It seems that we can now whittle the problem down to an issue with the placenta maybe. Its now a wait and see from here on out. We can do weekly exams to see how he is growing, to check the fluid level etc. Chad Viola and I were about to leave when the doctor called me back and said, "let me just check the blood flow really quick". So I went back in the room again, lifted shirt etc. etc. and she checked the blood flow. She said yup, you have end diastolic flow from the placenta to the baby. She said basically the flow should still be flowing even when the heart stops beating(didnt know that but your heart actually takes a tiny rest in between beats) and when Thurstons heart was resting, evidently so was the flow. Not good but at least it wasnt reversing yet she said. That is the worst sign and really, at his gestation there would not be much hope so she said this is at least good for now. She sent me to go get my blood work done to see if maybe I had a clotting disorder as this sometime causes the placenta to malfunction. Then she said I need to go to the hospital to get a steroid shot in case (well not in case, it was pretty sure that I would be having an early delivery if this kept up) we delivered prematurly.

So Chad and I went to the hospital, and they sent me to a room where they hooked me up with an NST test(non-stress test). After about 30 minutes we were getting antsy to go home and poor Viola was getting restless. I asked the nurse did it always take this long to get a shot in the ass, trying to joke a bit. She said they just needed to get the approval or something so we waited and waited and waited. It was seriously about an hour now and I was about ready to to tell Chad to take Viola to eat when I saw not one of my OBGYN's but both of them walk in the room. What it takes two doctors to administer the steroid. And then they had those same DAMN faces that the perinatologist had when she first broke the news about my pregnancy. My heart started beating fast again. I knew this wasnt going to be good.

They both sat down and took my hand. They explained to me that his heart rate was all over the place. That from the looks of everything, that my beautfful baby, the one I spent months trying to convince Chad to have, that I had dreamed about, that I wanted for Viola so desperately, was not going to make it. That he was too stressed in the womb and that it was only a matter of time before he met his demise. It was just too much to take. The tears flooded forward, projectiling onto the bed. Chad started to tear up. Viola now had to see me and daddy cry. I think we asked them to explain everything and again, I just remember talking heads. blah blah blahbady blah blah. I couldnt believe this was happening to me, to my baby. why why why why why.

They went over our options. We could induce him, and get him out, or we could go home and wait for him to die. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF OPTIONS ARE THOSE.....I thought to myself. I wasnt sure if I could handle the pain of carrying him around inside me, everyone asking me the proverbial onslaought of pregnancy questions "hows the pregnancy going", "how many weeks are you now", "is it a boy or a girl". I thought I would tell them to all Fuck off. I thought a lot of things. Chad and I tried to mull it over, how the hell do you mull something like this over. I still couldnt believe this was happening. By the way I am crying the entire time. At one point as Chad was holding my hand, I asked him"even if it just to humor me, do you think we could look into adoption". I will never forget what he said and it just solidifies my love for him and how lucky I am to have him. He said,"Well I guess if we have to endure losing a life, maybe it would be good to save one". He always knows what to say, even in the most excruciating painful circumstances.
We at that point thought that we would go ahead with the induction. The doctors were pretty convincing that he was not going to make it, and I did not want him to suffer any longer even though I was constantly changing my mind a 1000 times a second. They made Chad and I sign this thing and they left. Chad took Viola to get some dinner and when the nurse came back in I told her I didnt want to do anything without Chad here. I was already having second thoughts. My mind never raced so fast in all of my life. I just couldnt think straight. we had already called our parents and they said whatever we do they would support us. We have AWESOME parents by the way. Chad came back and I told him I changed my mind I think. How the fuck can anyone make a decision like that in such a short amount of time under that much emotional duress. One of the doctors finally came in and told us that by Texas law, we had to wait 24 hours because it was considered an "abortion". WHAT.....I did not even think about that word. I was dumbfounded because I guess when they told me he was going to die, that he was dying in my womb, that an induction would just be ending his suffering. That put a whole new spin on everything. I was actually relieved. There was no way I could make a decision like that in that short of time the longest night of my life.....

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