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Friday, February 19, 2010

up down up down up down up down......24 weeks and counting

Well, it was time for yet another appointment. Chad stayed home with Viola. She had had enough of doctors appointments. Her stamina and patience through all of this astounds me. For being two years old, she sure held her own. I almost think she knew her Mommy needed her to be strong. I went in knowing full well that they would still hear his heartbeat, as he was kicking like crazy inside me. I was so fearful that he was stressed out. I knew I did not regret my decision(although I really di not have a choice anyway) but I was worried that he was suffering. I went into my regular obgyn first and as I waited in the waiting room, of coures I couldnt help but start balling my eyes out. All of these damn healthy pregnant women kept pouring in, smiling, happy as ahppy can be. I couldnt believe the torture. how dare they do this to me, make me wait among all of these pregnant women.....wait oh yea I was pregnant too but with the knowledge that my child was going to die. Finally the receptionist who knew what was going on, fianlly came up to me and escorted me to the back. She apologized and hugged me and said no one should ever have to endure that much pain. I thank her between my tears and finally went into one fo the rooms. Both of my doctors came into talk to me. They listend and heard the hearbeat. I asked them if they coudl guess at how long it would be. They said there was no way of knowing but they said if they had to guess it would be less than a weeks time. They explained to me what would happen when he finally passed away. They told me I could come in through the back door and I would never have to wait like that again. They also cautioned me that if I started bleeding etc. that I should call them first. if I did go into a hopital they would try and get him out and ressusitate him even though they coudl nto force me to have a c section I am actually not sure what would have happenend but I did nto want to find out. I knew that I wanted him to have a quality of life(he was still under a pound at that point, he just would have been too little, too sick) so I told them I would call them first and then they would advise me what to do. Anywyak=, we made a plan to check again after the weekend. I also had an appointment right after with the high risk docotr. They wanted to see if his flow had reversed yet and then they coudl give me a better idea of maybe how long he had
The regular docotr was not there, but they had this australian guy who actually showed up in bike gear. I thought I didnt want soemone new. Its just too overwhelming at this point. Anywya, got back into the room, lay down, lift shirt up, squirt gel on tummy, start ultrasound yada yada yada. The sonographers face was funny while she was doing the exam. I figured, hell what news could she possibly tell me that could top the death of my child. She told me that his fluid had gone up.......WHAT!!!!!!! She also said it looks like he gained a little bit of weight. he was now 15 ounces(he had been about 11 ounces before). He has grown a little, she told me. She then looked at the blood flow to the cord for a looooooooooooooong time. I really had no idea what she was looking at, what she was measuring, but she said, "hold on let me get the doctor, I will be right back". So the Aussie came in and looked at the ultrasound for a while as well and said,"HEy dont give up on this kiddo, he looks like he might have a chance". My heart SANG!!!!!!!!! What news is this floating into my ears!!!!!!! I was beyond elated but also, so confused. He went over all of the details and told me that the blood flow is now back to normal. He said, "dont give up hope just yet, this kid is a fighter". I just couldnt belive what i was hearing. I just didnt want to believe after all of the grief that i have felt, could this really be true. Could my child really still make it. The emotions I felt were insane. The huge rock that was sitting upon my heart floated away(although it left a lasting dent for quite a while after). After all of the ups and downs, this was definitely an up that I would take and hold onto for dear life........

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