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Thursday, February 18, 2010

Brave new World.....Brave new Mommy......

Well as you can imagine, the next two days of my life were the most painful I will(and hope to) ever experience. I could not stop crying. I kept feeling him kick. I talked to him. I sung to him. I tried to enjoy him. I tried to get to know him. I tried to imagine what he would be like. I tried to accept that he was not going to make it. I have never experienced grief like this. I have never had anyone very close to me pass away outside of my grandfather and my cousin and both of my cats, Buzz and Fido. This was soooooooooooooooooooooooo very different. I kept trying to be positive through my tears. I kept trying to feel lucky. Lucky that I got pregnant so easily, so many women and men have so much trouble, I thought, lucky that I got to carry him this long, so many people have miscarried, lucky that I got to feel him kick, so many people have never got to feel even that. I thought how lucky I was to at least have had this time with him. I fought through the tears. I rubbed my belly. I was relieved my Mom said she was flying out and would be there Saturday. There is nothing more genuine and more unconditional than a mothers love. I felt hers, as I so hoped Thurston felt mine. The night before my next appointment I kept telling him that it was ok for him to pass.....that I was his mommy and mommies have to be brave, that I would understand if he let go. I promised him I would always love him. That I would never forget him, that he would always be a part of our family. I kept saying it over and over, mommy is brave so you dont have to be, mommy is brave so you dont have to be, mommy is brave so you dont have to be.......

1 comment:

  1. I can't even possibly imagine what you have been through. I am so glad that Thurston is here with you now. He wanted to meet his brave mommy and show you just how brave he is too. I suppose I am glad that my babies just decided to surprise me with their very early birth.